rude town names

Proud of your hometown? Well.... How'd you like to tell people you're from..........

• Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
• Shafter (California, USA)
• Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
• Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
• Bastard (Norway)
• Twatt (Orkney, UK)
• Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
• Muff (Northern Ireland)
• Wankie (Zimbabwe)
• Climax (Colorado, USA)
• Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
• Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
• Fukum (Yemen)
• Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
• Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
• Turdo (Romania)
• Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)
• Seymen (Turkey)
• Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
• Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
• Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)
• Wanks River (Nicaragua)
• Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
• Fuku (Shensi, China)
• Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
• Fukui (Honshu, Japan)
• Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
• Fukue (Honshu, Japan)
• Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)
• Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)
• Chinaman's Knob (Australia)
• Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)
• Tittybong (Australia)
• Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
• Dikshit (India)
• Wankener (India)
• Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)

How to come home drunk and still get a hot breakfast

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover the night after a business function.

He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."


So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!!!".

Broken table - $200
Hot breakfast - $5
Red Rose bud - $3
Two aspirins - $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time... PRICELESS!

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final WayTo Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

Pass this on to someone else

Its Called therapy.

The gender of nonliving things

Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

No Pun Jobs

My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried to be a Tailor,
but I just wasn't suited for it--mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,
but that was too exhausting.

Then, I tried to be a Chef -
figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a Deli Worker,
but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a Musician,
but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy

I studied a long time to become a Doctor,
but I didn't have any patience.

Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.
I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a Professional Fisherman,
but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,
but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a Workout Center,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian -
until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working in Starbucks,
but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT,
AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

Confession

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

" I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his place of business; had an affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs;and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish, full good and loving people."..

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Al-Zarqawi in heaven.

Al-Zarqawi arrives in heaven.

There he is greeted by George Washington, who proceeds to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approaches and punches Al-Zarqawi in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison enters, kicks Al-Zarqawi in the balls and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson comes in and proceeds to beat Al-Zarqawi many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!".

These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader.

As Al-Zarqawi lays bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an Angel appears. Al-Zarqawi, weeping in pain, says to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replies, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?

Men Will be Men

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Funny computer quotes

Here are just a few:

• "If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0"
• "Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there's Google."
• "Life would be so much easier if we only had the source code."
• “Programming is like sex, one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.” — Michael Sinz
• Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."
• "I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly"
• "1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d"
• "I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said: 'Outlook not so good'. I said: 'Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway'."

Dead Donkey

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny----------"I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer---------" You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny----------"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny----------"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer---------"Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny---------"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Things to ponder

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Wanting Love. If you see him looking for love, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now, the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

NUMBER 1 :
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.